A Day In Between
by Quille
Summary: "Only yesterday was the one of those dates. Today was a day in between. Tomorrow would be just another sad anniversary." (spoiler for an event from Jo's past revealed in 9x13 episode)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: _CSI New York_ and its characters are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer and _CBS_. No infringement is intended, just pure fun.**

. . .

It was this time of year which she truly detested. Summer was almost over, the sun was hanging lower and lower in the sky with every single day. Soon every morning would start with an awful moist fog that would cause chills running down the spine and seem to be biting into the skin. All the trees would be stripped bare of leaves. And then winter would come, as always too quickly.

Jo Danville sighed deeply and turned away from the window. She mentally scolded herself for complaining about the weather like some old lady. But even more for trying to delude herself. It wasn't the weather that put her into this gloomy mood. It was this time of year.

Only yesterday was the one of those dates. It was simply impossible to miss it. It was just everywhere – on the news, on the radio, on the first pages of all newspapers. And it was in his eyes. It didn't really matter how many years had past – two, five or eleven. The same vivid sorrow was visible in his eyes every year. And she knew it would stay like this till the end of his days. Everybody knew it. Yet nobody had the courage to talk to him about it. She hadn't have it either. After all what she could tell him? That she felt bad for him that he had to go through it every single year, again and again? That she felt sorry for him that he was still mourning for her? That she thought it was a pity that he wasn't able to move on? Nothing, just nothing sounded right. So she hadn't said anything, only offered him a sad smile when he wasn't looking. And had reminded him that she was there for him if he needed someone to simply keep him from slipping into his misery until the date on the calendar wouldn't change.

So that was yesterday. Today was a day in between. Filled with the waiting for this overwhelming grief to strike just after midnight. For the fourth time now. She thought it would hurt the most the first time. After all mourning period was one year long for a reason. After a year she could think that she managed to survive all year without the one she was missing. Who hadn't been there last Christmas or last Eastern. Who hadn't called her last year on her birthday, being already gone. It was the common truth – the first year was always the worst. The second and every next one was supposed to be better. It wasn't the first Christmas without her anymore. It was just another Christmas without her. But truth be told, it hurt just the same. The present that was put every year under the Christmas tree, the only one that was left unpacked. Or the message left on Jo's voice-mail many years ago that she listened to on her birthday, just to hear this beloved cheerful voice again. Five years later the grief didn't seem to be any lighter.

Tomorrow would be just another sad anniversary. A silent one, not recognized by anyone else, as they wouldn't be talking about it on the news or writing in the newspapers. When only one life had been taken away it's not catchy enough. She couldn't quite decide if it was better or not. At least she didn't have to deal with all the pity. But on the other hand it would be probably easier to find someone to keep her company and save her from replaying this rainy night over and over again in her head. Like she for sure was going to do tonight.

Jo switched off the computer in her office, grabbed her jacked and headed out, making a mental list of all people she could spend this evening with. Ellie was out of the city because of the junior soccer championships and Tyler was, as always, busy with his studies. Lindsay had planned some nice evening with Danny as they finally managed to get a nanny for one night. Adam was meeting his girlfriend. Sid had some charity event to attend. Don was having a family reunion and Hawkes was sent home earlier as he got a terrible cold. The only person she hadn't asked yet was Mac.

On her way to the elevators Jo stopped in front of Mac's office. He was standing with his back to her, so she knocked quietly at the door and gently pushed it open. Only then she noticed he was on the phone. She caught Christine's name and she froze. She rolled her eyes and cursed her own naivety that it hadn't even crossed her mind that Mac couldn't be free this evening either. She quietly backed out and headed towards the elevators. She was silently debating between going back to the empty apartment or going out to some random bar and trying to soothe her sadness with a few gin & tonics. The second option at least meant she would be surrounded by people, even if it would be more like being next to them than with them. Finally making up her mind she got into the elevator.

. . .

**A/N A little piece I had in my mind since watching 9x13 episode. It can be a first chapter of something longer, or just one-shot. I haven't decided yet. Oh, and sorry for any mistakes - it wasn't proofread, as I didn't want to bother my regular betas or anyone else with such a short thing.**


	2. Chapter 2

. . .

The dim light and the quiet music in the background mixed with a murmur of conversations created a happy medium for the need of not being alone and the urge to cut herself off from the world. Jo slowly sipped on her drink, feeling a nice warmth permeate her body, awaking a pleasant tingling sensation. It was almost like anesthetizing herself with alcohol before the first cut was made. But the pain didn't care much about it anyway, stabbing constantly and not letting her forget.

She tried to evoke some good memories, but her mind kept going back to the mental image of that night. She had seen enough car crashes in order to be able to create a detailed scenario in her mind. Squeal of tires. Sickening thud. Crunch of metal on metal. Pool of blood. Scream of agony. Shattered glass... And deadly silence.

Being completely lost in her thoughts Jo jumped at the feel of someone's hand on her back.

''You want me to buy you a colorful cocktail with a nice umbrella, sweetheart?'' A hoarse voice asked close to her ear.

''No, thanks.'' Jo answered without even looking at the man who asked the question.

''No? Are you sure?'' The man insisted, leaning even closer. He smelled of cheap cigarettes and beer and Jo couldn't help but wince.

''Yes, I'm good.''

''So... maybe you just want me to take you home and...''

''Which part of 'no' don't you understand?'' A slightly raised, intimidating voice asked behind her. The hand of the stranger instantly left her back.

''If that's your gal you should keep an eye on her. They're pretty easy when they're drunk, you know.''

''I am keeping my eye on her. Get lost.'' The low voice murmured. Jo didn't even have to look up to know to whom it belonged. She would recognize this voice everywhere. '''How many of those have you had?'' Mac asked with a slight frown.

''Not enough.'' She answered without looking at him. ''How did you find me?'' She asked.

''I saw your car in the parking lot. It took Adam less than a minute to localize your phone.'' He explained.

''Sweet...'' Jo sighed. He leaned forward and checked her coaster, which had seven lines drawn by the bartender. He sat down on the stool next to her and turned towards her.

''Jo, what's going on?'' He asked, but she didn't answer. He studied her closer. There was something familiar about her features, something he had seen a couple of times already. When someone was taking a human life in a most selfish and cold-blooded way. When the innocent people were getting harmed. When some dreadful news were delivered and parents weren't waiting anymore for their kid to get home safe. Then the usual sparkle in her eyes were growing dim for a moment and although they were still shining, it was with unfallen tears, not with happiness. But it wasn't her eyes that were truly moving him in such a moment. It was her lips. Normally there wasn't a minute during a day in which a smile wasn't dancing on them. No matter if it was a witty smirk, a warm smile or a beaming grin. It was always there. Only when sadness stroke, her lips remained disturbingly still. And not once and not twice he had caught himself trying to come up with any possible way to make the corners of her lips go up at least a little bit. And then a little bit more.

Usually before he figured out how to do this, she let out a soft sigh, which was the silent sign of resign to a cruel tempt of fate, and then, much to his relief, all her usual cheerfulness was back.

But this time... This time it seemed to be different. He had never seen her like that, so very much down and distressed. It had to be something personal. He shifted slightly uncomfortably on his stool. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to ask her what had happened, as not more than a couple of months ago he had told her to stay away from his personal business. Now his ill-considered words seemed to be like a double-edged sword.

But he had to do something. He had to approach her somehow. Seeing her like this was making him feel bad. And lost. Her being a beam of light was like a fix point in his daily life. No matter how gloomy he felt her smile always lightened up his mood. It was like a sunshine that warmed up his skin on a sunny day. He always took it for granted, he knew that if nothing was helping, her smile would for sure. But now it was gone. It seemed that this beam of light he needed so much every day was engulfed by the darkness of the clouds. And he had no idea how to dispel them.

''Go home, Mac.'' Jo told him and took the last sip from her glass. Her voice was completely washed out from emotions and she wasn't looking at him, making it just impossible for him to read her. His frown deepened as he realized he had no clue how to do this. It was her who was unrivaled at reading people. She always knew what he was thinking, how he was feeling. But it wasn't working the other way round. He never had to put any effort in trying to figure out what was troubling her, as she always came to him and just spoke her mind. Only now he could see that each and every time she shared with him only as much as she wanted to. And only now he realized how precious it was. She bared her soul to him, but only to the limit she set herself. Anything beyond it was a mystery. And he wasn't sure if there was any possible way for him to unravel it if she didn't want him to.

He caught sight of her slightly pushing her glass towards the bartender, indicating she wanted him to refill it. He placed his hand on top of hers, stopping it efficiently.

''Jo, no matter what kind of sorrow you're trying to drown right now, I can assure you – they all can swim.'' He told her seriously.

''I'm a big girl, Mac. I don't need you to sermonize me.'' Jo told him quietly and made an attempt to withdraw her hand, but he didn't let her do that. He desperately needed her to look at him and he was deluding himself that all he had to do to make her do that was catch her attention.

''It's not what I'm trying to do.'' He said with a hint of sadness as she was still facing away from him. ''I'm worried. I know something's wrong. You wouldn't sit here past midnight and drink...'' He broke off abruptly as she suddenly looked at him, for the first time since he had entered the bar. He kept still, being afraid that her eyes would skitter away any second, but instead of it she fixed her gaze at him. Her eyes were big and strangely glossy. Beautiful as always. Full of sorrow as never before.

He felt her tightening her grip on his hand and she turned it over. She glanced down at his watch.

23 minutes past midnight. It was already five full years of her being gone. Five years without her.

Jo took a sharp breath. It was caught in her throat and it escaped her instantly in silent sobs that made her lips tremble. She raised her eyes and Mac was able to see how tears were gathering in them. He froze, witnessing her sorrow coming to the surface. And when it was finally too much, she closed her eyes which caused two tears to escape from beneath her eyelids. They rolled down her cheeks and before another followed them, he succumbed himself to the urge of taking her in his arms. He slipped off his stool and closed the distance between them. His arms came around her and he pulled her closer. She didn't embrace him back, she only placed her head on his shoulder.

He wasn't sure what he should say, so he just repeated her name in a whisper over and over again while his hand stroked her hair. He knew that they were the center of attention of all people around them, but he couldn't care less. The only thing that matter in that very moment was her.

After a while, when her sobs died away, he pulled back slightly.

''Let me take you home.'' He whispered. She remained silent, but he sensed how she lightly nodded her head.

. . .

**A/N Whoever from Estonia is reading it - big hug to you :) You have no idea how happy it made me to see your country (which I'm utterly in love with) on the Traffic Graph! **

**(Sorry guys, I had to. I really had.)**

**Thank you very much for all reviews to the first chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

. . .

As soon as Mac stopped the car Jo undid her seat-belt.

''Thank you for the ride.'' She told him hastily and got out of the car. Almost like she was running away from him. Mac sighed deeply, silently begging God to give him patience with her. He got out of the car as well and followed her to the front door. ''Mac, you don't ha...'' She started, hearing his footsteps behind her.

''I said I'd take you home.'' He cut her off, stressing the last word.

They got to her apartment and she unlocked the door. Then she turned to face him and she was just about to bid him farewell, when much to her surprise Mac made his way inside.

He walked into the kitchen and poured a glass of water. He added a fair amount of lemon juice and a spoon of honey. Then he offered her the glass.

''Here, drink it.''

Jo looked at him with a clear amusement. ''No worries, I won't suffer from hangover tomorrow.'' She assured him.

''You won't if you drink it.'' He stated firmly. She reluctantly took the glass from his hand. She moved further inside and stood close to the window, as far from him as she possibly could. She leaned back against the sill and took a few sips. Then she stopped and studied him for a moment.

''Go home, Mac.'' She told him. ''I'm sure Christine is worried about you.''

''She isn't.'' He denied. ''We decided... to take a break from each other.'' He said and Jo raised her brows. It seemed truly strange to her that they decided to do it now, after the day that was the hardest for him during the whole year. But she didn't say anything. It wasn't her business after all.

Although she stayed silent he knew very well what she was thinking.

''She told me I can't let go of the past.'' Mac said, his voice strangely steady. ''Even though she lost a brother herself, she doesn't understand how days like yesterday can still hurt after all those years.'' He explained, not taking his eyes off Jo. He noticed how she blinked a several times. ''I guess it's easier to deal with it when you actually had a chance to say goodbye.'' He said, sounding seemingly casually. It didn't escape her notice and she narrowed her eyes at him slightly. ''I don't blame her.'' He continued. ''No one understands how it feels to lose someone without any warning.''

Then there was the reaction Mac was waiting for. She placed the glass down on the counter so abruptly she splashed out some of its content. ''Right! No one understands it. It has never happened to anyone. Only to you!'' She snapped.

Every other time he would feel hurt by her words. But right now it was the response he was hoping to trigger. He wasn't half as good at reading people as she was. True. But he knew that to every action there was always an equal and opposite reaction. All it took to cause it was pushing the right button.

Now he was almost sure, so he decided to stake everything on one roll of the dice.

''Who have you lost, Jo?'' He asked gently, fixing his eyes on her. She looked at him and he was able to see how her eyes widened slightly at his directness. Then her eyes darted away. She stared at the wall beside her. Her chin trembled barely noticeably.

She didn't want to say it. She wanted him to leave her alone. All she dreamed about right now was to curl into a ball and cry herself to sleep. Then wake up when this awful day would be over. When it would be possible to push the sorrow deeper inside, hiding it from the whole world for another long year.

But obviously she underestimated the power of the flood of emotions. It broke the dam before she could even react and much to her surprise she heard her own voice saying out loud what she wanted to keep to herself.

''My little sister. She was killed in a car crash five years ago. Exactly five years ago. On September 13th.'' She said so quietly, like she didn't want him to hear her. But he did. He took a deep breath. So here it was – he wanted her to tell him what was wrong and she did. He wanted to know because he was hoping he would be able to help her. But now it occurred to him it wasn't something he could simply help her deal with. He felt powerless.

He didn't say anything, as he had no idea what should he say. Nothing seemed right. She took a shaky breath and he kept silent, not wanting to disturb her sharing what she needed to get off her chest.

''A drunk driver hit her. He came out unscathed and she...'' Her voice got caught in her throat and she had to close her eyes for a moment in an attempt at keeping her emotions under control . ''She was only 21. She had her whole life ahead of her.'' She added brokenly. ''It's just the clearest definition of what is unjust and unfair in this world.''

The last sentence rang in his ears, sounding terribly familiar.

''What was her name?'' Mac asked the first question that crossed his mind, trying to stop her from slipping further into her grief. He knew she had to go through it in order to find her peace, but at the same time he was afraid that watching her breaking like this would be simply too much for him.

''Leanne.'' Jo answered and he couldn't help but smile sadly upon hearing how she said her name. ''I chose it for her.'' She added and her eyes lit up for a moment. ''She was born in the summer before I left for college. I saw her in the first minutes of her life.'' She smiled at the memory, but the shadow of her usual smile faded away within seconds. ''But I wasn't with her when she was dying. It all happened so quickly.'' She said, finally giving up and letting her tears fall. ''I had so many things to tell her.'' She whispered in between sobs. ''How wonderful she was... How much I loved her...'' She added and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. ''I didn't get a chance. How can you live with that?'' She asked, looking up at him.

In any other case Mac would think it was a purely rhetorical question. But right now he knew she was actually asking him how he had managed to deal with his loss.

''You just believe she knew it all.'' He said softly and let out a sigh. ''I was on the phone with Claire only seconds before the plane crashed into the tower. I could tell her so many things. I did have a chance. I told her to go uptown.'' He finished and shook his head slowly in disbelief.

For a moment silence stretched between them. He replayed this last conversation in his head involuntarily. Then he looked at her. She was just standing in front of him, crying despairingly. It was breaking his heart to see her like that.

''Jo, please... Let me help you...''

''How?'' She asked brokenly, looking him in the eye. ''How can you help me? Can you make it stop?!''

''No.'' He answered, taking a few small steps towards her.

''It feels like having my heart ripped out. Piece by piece.'' She added in a faltering voice.

''I know.'' He said with compassion and locked his arms around her, holding her close. This time she hugged him back, snuggling into his embrace.

''Will it ever go away?'' She asked quietly.

''No, it won't.'' He told her honestly.

He knew exactly how she felt. He had been there too many times already. Blinded by the disbelief that it was too cruel to happen. Mad at the injustice of the fate, feeling like smashing something in pure range. Wanting to hit somebody until they feel as bad as he did. Curled in a bed at night like a wounded animal, shaking with fear of not being able to carry on. Consumed by inconceivable sorrow that was stabbing with every breath. Trying to come to terms with reality of the beloved one being gone forever and at the same time being overwhelmed by the feeling of not being able to be happy ever again.

He looked down at her. Her eyes were closed and she looked almost peaceful if not for the wet traces left by the tears.

''I wish I could forget about it. Just for a moment.'' Jo told him, her voice barely above the whisper. Upon hearing her he did the only thing he could to provide her at least a little comfort. Without a second thought he lowered his head slightly and placed a gentle kiss on her eyelid. She didn't push him away and she didn't pull him closer either. She was like frozen. He moved to her other eyelid and he placed a light kiss there as well. Then his lips on their own accord skimmed over her cheek, in a vain attempt to kiss off those wet traces. Finally he claimed her lips.

If he could, he would take away her pain. He wanted to make her happy again, even if only for a brief moment. To grant her wish and make her forget about her grief.

And he wanted to soothe his own sorrow as well. To turn off thinking, to throw caution to the wind. Not feeling anything, only sensing.

He knew it wasn't the right way. But he didn't know any better.

. . .


	4. Chapter 4

. . .

When Jo felt his lips on hers it was as if the whole world suddenly disappeared. For a moment she wasn't sure if it wasn't her tormented mind escaping into illusion as dealing with reality was simply too much. But it felt so real. And so good.

She ignored the alarm bells in the back of her head and pressed her lips firmer to his, making his gentle kiss harder. Much to his liking as the next thing he did was force her mouth open and share his breath with her.

From this point they made it all happen quickly enough not to let their minds take the floor and awake any anxiety that could keep them from carrying on. They frantically tugged on each others clothes, taking off piece after piece.

While revealing more and more of her skin, Mac's hands were stroking her like he wanted to soothe the trembling pain inside. In some way his caresses were gentle and loving, but there was also the hint of eagerness in his actions, which told her he was beyond the point in which he could make himself stop easily.

To make it possible to touch her everywhere he wanted to and to make it more comfortable for her, he lifted her effortlessly and sat down on the table. Then he stepped in between her legs, surrendering himself back to her hands which already got impatient at the lack of contact.

Jo's lips found his once more and with the force of her kiss she silently let him know she needed more. Mac had every intention to take it slow, but his mind had no control over his body, so he could only hope that she was ready to take him. She let out a quiet whimper that made his heart skip a beat, but then she locked her legs behind him.

''Harder...'' She begged breathlessly. Despite his concern about hurting her, he complied. Her fingers were digging into his arms with his every movement. Mac watched how she tossed her head back in an utter abandon. He couldn't skip the opportunity of taking advantage of her neck being exposed in front of him like this. He pressed his lips to the point where her pulse was throbbing and ever so lightly nipped on it, making her gasp. His control was hanging on by less than a thread, but he didn't allow himself to fall. Not until she did.

The pleasure was crashing through her in waves, every next one slightly stronger and longer than the former, taking her higher and higher. Finally, when the insufficiency of air and the frantic pace of her heartbeat made her feel like being close to passing out, she tipped over the edge. The explosion of sensations reached every cell of her body, blunting the sharp pain and closing up the cuts made by it.

Before it dazed her completely she slipped her hands down his body, pushing him closer, pulling him deeper. Letting him feel every ounce of the intense pleasure he had given her and desperately wanting to make him fall with her. And he did.

His tattered breathing was hitting her skin when she was slowly coming down from her heights. Her washed out from any miserable thought mind, combined with the quiet and peace that surrounded her, provided the best comfort she could possibly imagine. She put her arms around him, keeping him close, while she silently wished they could stay like this forever.

When Mac was finally able to force his eyes open, he looked down at her. She had her head laid on his shoulder and she was completely motionless.

''Jo...?'' He asked in a hoarse whisper.

She didn't say anything, only moved her hand to the back of his head and stroked his hair. He smiled lightly. It was more intimate version of her 'don't-you-worry' gesture that she had offered him so many times in the past. Now it crossed his mind that her hand stroking his back or shoulder in some tough moments wouldn't be enough since he got to know how marvelous felt her fingers running through his hair.

His hand slowly moved up and down her back, caressing her spine. He wished he knew what she was thinking, what she was feeling. But she kept still, the only movement being her chest raising and falling with her steady breathing. So he just held her close, hoping that she didn't want to pull away because she needed his closeness, rather than because she felt too uncomfortable to look him in the eye.

Mac had no idea how much time had passed. When he felt a strong shiver run through Jo's body he finally decided to do something. He carefully picked her up into his arms and carried her to the bedroom. He lowered her on the bed and she rolled to her side, facing away from him. She pulled her knees to her chest and curled into a ball like a cat. He felt a stab of pain at the sight. He couldn't bear the thought she was feeling even more heartbroken and sorrowful than before. He would rather think the only reason for that was the cold pervading her body. He grabbed the edge of the duvet and let it slide up her body, slowly covering her with it. When he pulled it over her shoulder he let go of it and brought his hand up. His fingers brushed against the strand of her hair that was covering her cheek. He had always been in awe of this contrast – raven hair and pale skin. Only moments ago her skin had this delightful pink hue that made him skim his lips over her face, her neck, her chest in order to find out if it was making her skin taste any sweeter. And it was.

But right now this hue was gone. Almost like nothing had happened. Like they hadn't let their passion erupt, counting on it being able to soothe the grief at least a little bit. To bring the pleasure that could balance the sadness. To remind them that feeling hadn't always meant being in pain.

He couldn't bring himself to think that it had made more damage. He had wanted her to know how much he cared for her. To show her this by all means he had known. Right now he was fighting the urge to lie next to her, wrap his arms around her and cuddle her to himself. To quietly assure her that in the morning light nothing would seem so dark and gloomy anymore. And if not, that he would be there for her - to share her pain and make it more bearable.

But he had already crossed one line tonight, so he couldn't let himself cross another. Something was telling him that she wanted to be left alone. So he just silently stood next to her bed and watched her, waiting for her to drift off to sleep that was supposed to bring her solace she so desperately needed. Only then he left her.

. . .

**A/N Thank you very much for all reviews and any other kind of support. It means really a lot!**


	5. Chapter 5

. . .

The observation deck was almost empty as the weather was anything but appropriate for admiring the view. But it wasn't the view that Jo cared about. She had seen it many times already. Although, ironically, she hadn't been here even once after they had moved to New York. She had been too afraid it would awake many painful memories. But today she felt she needed to do this in order to be closer to her little sister. She moved to the deck's edge and smiled involuntarily as she remembered Leanne's reaction when she was standing in almost the same spot for the first time.

_''Can you imagine?! 102 floors?! Oh my God, it's soooo hiiigh!'' She squealed with delight. Although Jo knew that the deck was very well secured, her grip on Leanne's jumper tightened. ''I can't believe we're at the top of The Empire State Building!'' She kept bursting with excitement and Jo couldn't help but laugh upon seeing her so happy. As she heard her laughter, Leanne turned to her, threw her arms around Jo's waist and hugged her tightly. ''Oh thank you, thank you, Josie! I've always dreamed about coming here! That's the best birthday gift ever!''_

She was only 14 back then. The trip to New York that Jo had organized for her that summer had became truly memorable. After their return to Alabama Leanne had pinned the poster with The Empire State Building to the wall in her room. It was still hanging there, as there was nobody who was able to change anything in her room since she had been gone.

That day many years ago the weather was perfect. The air was clear and the sun was shining brightly. They spent almost two hours up here, which was relatively short, taking into consideration Leanne's claiming that she could stay here forever.

Today it was impossible to see the city because of the dark clouds and the fog hanging low above the streets. But skyscraper's tops sticking out from the thick, milky layer presented an interesting view as well. Jo smiled lightly, thinking that Leanne would love it anyway. It wasn't really the view that mattered for her. It was the feeling of being high. Closer to the sky, as she used to say. Their mama used to say that Leanne had to be a bird in her previous life. Who knew, maybe she was one right now, too.

With a soft sigh Jo turned away from the edge and headed to the exit. There was one more thing she had to take care of today.

. . .

When Mac saw her entering his office he couldn't tell for a moment if he was daydreaming again or if it was real. She was on his mind during every single minute since he opened his eyes in the morning, waking up from the short nap that hadn't actually brought him any rest. He was fighting a silent war inside his head, not being sure if he should call her or not.

And there she was, right in front of him. So many thoughts ran through his mind, so many questions he wanted to ask her. He needed to know if she was any better today, if she managed to somehow deal with her grief. If he hadn't been too rough last night, if he hadn't caused her any pain. If she regretted what had happened, if she was anxious how it would affect their relationship. If she was upset that he hadn't stay with her...

He needed to know it all, yet he was afraid to ask any of these questions. He sighed deeply and, feeling like a coward, asked the one that in some sense covered them all, but wasn't betraying him at the same time.

''How are you?''

Jo glanced at him fleetingly, for a moment not being sure what he was actually asking about.

''I'm... fine.'' She answered and offered him a smile. It didn't reach her eyes, though.

He silently cursed his own stupidity – he still didn't know anything.

''Listen... About last night...'' He started, but for some strange reason his voice failed him. He cleared his throat, but before he could continue, she cut him off.

''I know, I know. It was a mistake. It shouldn't happen. Let's not make a big deal about it.'' She said quickly, as she had learned her role by heart. He blinked twice, not being sure what he should think about it. ''Right?'' She asked with a slight hesitation.

He stayed silent for a moment, trying to figure out if this was what she was truly thinking, or what she was afraid to hear coming out from him, so she decided to say it out loud herself first, in a desperate attempt to make it less painful.

''Well... I wouldn't put it like this.'' Mac said slowly. As soon as he heard his own words, he became aware it was a terrible understatement. But then, leaving himself unshielded in front of someone who was throwing deadly weapons at him didn't seem like a good idea.

''Mac, don't get me wrong.'' Jo said while taking a baby step towards him. Then she stopped. She looked down, suddenly being utterly fascinated by one of her silver rings. ''It's not like I regret it. I don't. You didn't do anything I didn't want.'' She finally found the courage to look at him. ''It was... It was my sweetest downfall.'' She added and he got the awful feeling it was actually the first true statement she made since she had entered his office. ''I can totally understand where did it come from. For both of us. Nature abhors a vacuum. This feeling of emptiness... this terrible void... just had to be filled with... something.''

The last word hurt the most. _Something_. Or maybe she even meant _anything_. So that was what it had been for her – not more than taking a painkiller. Or numbing herself with an alcohol. It was just another way. But still, there was one thing that was bothering him. He had to know.

''Would it be any different if I stayed?'' Mac asked slowly, struggling to keep his voice steady with his every word. Jo seemed to be surprised by his question. He fixed his eyes at her and for a brief moment he thought she would confirm, as he could catch the flash of sadness in her eyes.

''No.'' She shook her head. But then she hesitated. For a moment she let her imagination toy with the image of waking up with his arms around her, instead of being alone in a cold, empty, ridiculously big bed. If he had been there this morning he for sure wouldn't have let her slip back into her misery. But he hadn't. And nothing could change it right now. Telling him that she had wanted him to stay would be nothing but cruel. So she just shook her head again. ''No... It would only make it more awkward. For both of us.'' She said and forced a light smile. She wanted to add something more, but suddenly the sound of his phone ringing pierced the air. He grabbed it and, much to her surprise, he rejected the call. Then he quickly placed his phone back on his desk and looked back at her. ''And I understand that there was... other place you had to be last night.'' Jo added. From the slightly colder tone of her voice he could tell that he hadn't been quick enough and she had managed to check the caller's ID. The damage was done.

Mac stood up from behind his desk and took a step towards her. She took the matching step back, keeping the distance between them.

''Jo, please, just...'' He started, but she didn't let him finish.

''Mac, really. There's no need for this. I was perfectly aware what I was getting myself into. The only one I can blame is myself.''

He took another step towards her. _Blame._ He briefly wondered if it was possible to blame oneself for something and not regretting it at the same time. He felt bad. He only wanted to help her. To comfort her. He was never good with words, having no idea what to say in such moments. He was the man of action. So he had decided to show her how much he cared. Clearly it wasn't enough.

It seemed it had been doomed to failure before it had even started. Wrong way, wrong cause. And most of all – wrong time.

''I'm sorry.'' He told her quietly. ''I'm sorry I hurt you.''

Jo's eyes got glassy and she took a sharp intake of breath. In order to keep herself from crying she let out a chuckle, which was supposed to choke back the tears that were threatening to fall.

''Don't be, because you didn't.'' She assured him. ''And if you worry about us not being able to work together, then...'' This time he cut her off.

''It didn't even cross my mind.'' He admitted truthfully. He wanted to add something more but his phone started to ring again.

''You really should pick it up.'' Jo told him quickly, her voice slightly higher-pitched than usual, showing that she got irritated by the constant ringing of his phone. ''It can be something important.'' She added and before he could react, she left his office.

He wanted to run after her, to stop her and tell her everything he felt right now. Although he wasn't sure if there was anything left to say. She made herself very clear.

His damned phone finally stopped ringing and he slumped down on the chair. Within a minute his phone beeped with a new text message. He glanced at the screen and read: _I picked up my stuff and threw your keys into the mail-box. Take care. C._

. . .

Jo got out of the elevator and hurried through the hall. She felt like she couldn't breath, she desperately needed to get outside. Once she exited the building she stopped and took a deep breath. It was helping, although she knew it would take much more time to ease this throbbing pain inside her. The thing that hurt the most was the thought that they wasted the chance to create something really good. It was like skating on the thin ice – one false move and everything was gone.

She sighed deeply. Some days just shouldn't happen and yesterday was one of those days. It should be crossed off from the calendar. Along with the day before it. And the day after.

A sudden gust of cold wind blew her hair over her face. She looked up in the sky and saw how wind was slowly dispersing the fog and the dark clouds, making it possible for the rays of setting sun to reach the earth's surface. It was like a light smile from above.

. The end .

**A/N Thank you very much for taking your time to read, review and any other forms of providing feedback. I hope you're not disappointed. And if you are... then sorry for that.**


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